The Beta News

I've taken Friday and Monday off. I'm going to do some final christmas shopping.

At about this time every year I have two lists that I carry everywhere. One is my Christmas shopping list. The other is the list of people I need to kill because they finished all of their shopping in October.

Regular readers of this blog will not be surprised to learn that I am a bad shopper. I blame this defect on being so filled with testosterone that I can shoot it from my wrists like Spiderman. I have all the telltale signs of testosterone overdose:

- Metrosexual (according to some) 

- Early hair loss

- Easily aroused by looking at dried apricots

- Always carry a list of people to kill

But the biggest problem with all of this testosterone sloshing around in me is that shopping is my kryptonite. I walk into a store and the blood drains out of my torso and fills my ankles. After three minutes in Kolding Storcenter (mall) I start praying for a stack of decorative candles to fall on me and end my misery. Sometimes I’ll just curl up under a pile of throw rugs and start screaming for Lassie to get help.

Shopping is extra difficult for me because I am cursed with a high degree of practicality. For example, I won’t buy anything for the family unless I have a good idea where it will be kept in the house. Our home is already full. I won’t buy a new toaster if the only place I can imagine it being stored is on top of the television.

It is also understood that I should not buy any items for the family that require judgment about style, taste or fashion. And these days that’s everything from clothes to jewelry to iPods. We already have three computers and a cupboard full of brown eco/bio rice; there isn’t much left that I am qualified to purchase.

Merry Christmas Shopping!